The Useless Platoon
- S.O.G. Prairie Fire DLC Required -
Event
Type: COOP / ZEUS
Date: 7th October 2023 (Probably, we'll see)
Time: 20:00
Minimum Players: 4 (+ me)
Briefing
Date: 21st August 1968
Time: 0600 Local Time
Location: Cam Lao Nam
Side: BLUFOR / US Army
Weather: Clear
Preface
This mission will start off a bit meemy but turns semi-serious at some point. Bear with me and immerse yourself in the absolute absurdity of the Vietnam war.
Muster Speech
- ATEEEEEEEENTION YOU MAGGOTS! GET IN FUCKING LINE, YOU ABSOLUTE IMBECILES! -
Now. Does any of you retards know why you are here?! I'll give you cocksuckers a hint: it's called the USELESS FUCKING PLATOON! MY USELESS FUCKING PLATOON! Consisting of four squads, each one more useless than the other. There's Asswipe, Bimbo, Challenged, and lastly, you bunch of fags: Dingleberry.
Each and every one of you pricks is here because they fucked up so bad in their units that their commanders couldn't stand bearing their sorry asses one more day. Let's read some examples I received from your most honerable COs, shall we:
- Take Private Killerfish here who was drunk as a skunk and ran over his Platoon Sergeant before crashing into the armory.
- Or Private Jeroen who was told to place mines IN FRONT of his fortified position but instead put them BEHIND it, almost killing his Lieutenant. YOU FUCKING MUPPET, IT'S TOWARDS THE ENEMY! GOD DAMMIT, JERUN!
- And let's not forget Corporal Moony who ran some sort of weird underground sex dungeon in his tent, I don't even wanna know.
- While we're on the subject, Private Liffy here thinks he's a girl. Absolutely fucking degenerate.
- Right, let's continue... Weird German doing weeb shit, what in the hell even is that... Frenchie showing cowardice in the face of the enemy, as usual... - wait, the enemy WAS A FUCKING SPIDER?! God dammit, we'll never win this fucking war. I'm calling it now.
- Right, radio operator Rico breaking Khe Sanh's entire network somehow. Stupid motherfucker.
- Must have worked together with Private Thom, who thought it was funny pretending to be Westmoreland himself on the radio. Fucking bunch of children.
- Oh, and there's Hansen pissed as a fart presenting himself for mustering in his undies. We've all been there, son.
- But, by far, the worst offender in my book: Sergeant Toast. Because he's British. Yuck. Should have dumped all you royal asskissers along with that tea if you ask me.
As you can see, every single one of you is as useless as the stains in my underwear. That's why you will get assigned jobs suited to your uniquely stupid qualifications. Jobs no sane human being would want. Speaking of which, today is your lucky day. The eggheads at the glorious Army Research Center came up with a new device that will make our worthless lives just so much better. This here is the new M69 Chemical Field Relievement Unit prototype. A brand new shitter which uses totally harmless chemicals to dissolve the very shit that's obviously occupying your stupids fucking heads instead of doing it the good old way by burning it with diesel. As your mothers should have done instead of sending you off to this shithole to die under my illustrious command.
Your first holy mission today will be to take out two of these beauties into the field to Asswipe squad so their don't have to crap in each other's canteens anymore. God dammit, I fucking hate my job. NOW GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!
Slotlist
Useless pricks, their leader, and a couple medics. No arsenal.
Modset (Make sure to uncheck them exactly this way.)
